Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Penis Licking Is Cleanliness And Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness...

I have lots of conversations with my kids. Shit, I've built an entire library of short anecdotes based on those conversations.


Meatball - "Hey dad. Why does the dog lick his penis?"

Me - "To clean himself."

Meatball - "But he licks my face."

Me - "But you let him lick your face. So..."

Meatball - "That's rude."

Me - "He's a dog."

Meatball - "So what? Would you lick someone's face after you licked your penis?"

Me - "No."

Check please.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Plenty Of Murder And Not Enough Synonyms...

I'm telling you up front that I'm writing this blog on my phone, on the train and I don't give a shit about spelling or grammar or punctuation or anything for that matter.

Not today anyway.

When I write I look up synonyms of words online so I sound smart when I can't think of words to describe what I'm feeling.

I love synonyms.

I also love cinnamon but only on French toast.

There is no synonym for cinnamon. Just FYI.

This brings me to my point.

What the fuck am I supposed to tell my kids when people get shot for no good reason? 

Yes, I said "good" reason.

Wait. Sorry. That isn't really the question.

The question is what the fuck am I supposed to tell my kids when people get shot for no good reason on a regular basis? On a regular basis, in towns like ours. On a regular basis, in towns like ours, in schools like theirs.

I'm 99% positive my 9 year old doesn't even know what happened in San Bernardino. Do I ask her? Do I tell her?

I know my 13 year old will hear about it in school today. She learns about "current events". 

Apparently there is nothing more current than killing people.

She would never admit it because, you know, she's 13 but this will scare the tiny little 13 year old shit out of her. Again.

Another day, another lock down drill at school.

You know, when these things happen, my immediate thoughts don't turn to "let's get rid of the guns" or "our health care system sucks". My immediate thought is, "well fuck me! What the fuck am I gonna tell my kids... Again.

Maybe I should pick up my thesaurus and conjure up a couple of synonyms for murder. Or evil.

Nefarious (Yep. Looked it up. Couldn't help myself.)

Maybe I should listen to what my kids think. Who knows? Maybe they are thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Maybe we should all turn off CNN, MSNBC, NRA or whatever the fuck it is and just talk to our kids. Maybe that's the single most important thing we can do to stop these nefarious motherfuckers right in their tracks.

I woke up this morning with that Don Henley song "boys of summer" in my head.

The lyrics go something like...

"I can see you. Your brown hair shinin in the sun. You got your hair combed back, sun glasses on baby."

But for some reason, I kept replacing "you got your hair combed back" with "you got your head chopped off."

Is it just me? Or are we all out of synonyms?