My first reaction was, "Why the F*!K would you willingly ask me to deliver a commencement speech to a bunch of innocent children?"
Then fear set in.
Kids are smart.
They are perceptive.
They are unknowingly judgmental.
Kids are like sharks looking for prey. They have the innate ability to smell blood.
They will intuitively know that I am a phony bologna.
So of course I said YES!
I sucked in Elementary School.
I had shitty hair, I wore my older cousin's sweaters, I had front teeth like a jackass and I was a jackass.
This was an opportunity for closure. A complete 180!
FUCK YOU LONG DIVISION AND THE PROTRACTOR* YOU RODE IN ON!
Any way, today was the day I commenced commencing the commencement speech. You can listen to it below if you please.
The kids were awesome. The teachers were awesome and the parents were awesome.
Totally made my day.
I also realized that maybe I'm not such a phony bologna after all.
At least that's what the sharks told me.
* A protractor is a square, circular or semicircular tool, typically made of transparent plastic or glass, for measuring angles. It's useless unless you're a mathematician.