Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'm Flying! I'm Stupid! YAY!

OK. So I'm on a plane and I'm blogging.

One of my secret guilty pleasures, is perusing Delta Sky Mall magazine.

If you are not familiar with Sky Mall, it is an in-flight magazine that is sort of like the print version of QVC. The products are so insane that apparently only people who are very high up in the sky are permitted to read it.

Here are three of my favorites from the Summer 2011 installment and please forgive the shitty picture quality. I'm blogging from a big, steel bird in the sky.

1. Very tired man sleeping on very huge pillow on a plane:

or as they call it: "SKY REST" $29.95

The description says, "The miraculous, wedge-shaped travel pillow makes even the most uncomfortable spots downright pleasant."

You've got to be kidding me. My neck hurts from just looking at the picture. It's also a God damn fire hazard. I'm guessing you need to be really drunk to appreciate it or maybe just a mental patient. I'm pretty sure Delta would actually make you check that with the rest of your luggage. I'm also guessing this guy had to purchase two seats. I'm sticking with the whole falling asleep on the person next to me plan.

2. What is your cat doing in the furniture?

Or as they call it: "KITTY WASHROOM" $99.98

That's right folks. Do you want to keep your kitty's litter box out of site and at the same time ad a beautiful piece of furniture to your home? Well if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Yes, this country style, bleached wood end table and cabinet, houses your feline's shit box. Because a pile of cat poo wasn't bad enough in your basement? Now not only will your living room smell like a cats ass but your friends and guests will think you are a disgusting, filthy human being.

"Helen, is that a new piece of furniture?"
"Why yes it is? Do you like it?"
"It's gorgeous! Did you shit your pants?"

Why not turn your bathtub into a urinal for the town meth addict? Or perhaps convert your refrigerator into a morgue? Why stop there?

3. The Kill Me Slowly Helmet Thingy

Or as they call it: "iRESTORE HAIR LASER" $499

This is how this brain helmet works. "Just sit, relax and 650nm lasers and red luminous optical lights provide phototherapy, a scientific process providing stimulation to cells in your hair follicles."

What about the part where the wizard turns you into a jack-o'-lantern and tiny little monkeys fly out of your piehole? This thing either does absolutely nothing or it is going to burn your fucking skull cap off. My favorite part is the guy in the picture is just casually wearing his cancer hat while watching TV or surfing the net. So here's the deal. You're going bald. You're insecure. So insecure that you are willing to do anything to keep whatever hair you have left but at the same time, you have no problem with wearing this designer Storm Trooper helmet. Honey, if you ever catch me wearing this around the house, please hit me with the biggest frying pan we have.

I hope there isn't a guy wearing an iRestore on the plane. They should probably alter the in-flight announcements just in case.

"Will all passengers now please turn off all personal electronic devices, including cellphones, laptops and iRestore Hair Therapy Treatment Helmets."

We're probably gonna crash.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hello. How May I Not Help You?

The other day, I had the most absurd, maddening and yet extremely hilarious exchange with an online customer service representative.

Here is the product I was trying to purchase as it appeared on the website:

Red Bamboo Rug (3' Octagonal)

My questions were: What are the measurements of the rug? And what does 3' Octagonal mean?

Here is my exchange with the online customer service representative, who is clearly not named Palmer:

Palmer: Hi, my name is Palmer. How may I help you?

Visitor: Hi Palmer.

Visitor: I'm looking for the measurements of a rug.

Visitor: It says 3' Octagonal and I don't know what that means.

Palmer: It is 'Red Bamboo Rug (3' Octagonal)', correct?

Visitor: yes

Palmer: Since this rug comes with the thickness of 0.125 inch it is considered as 8 edged rug hence it is called Octagonal Rug.

Visitor: OK

Visitor: What are the dimensions though?

Palmer: Dimension of the rug is 3 ft. octagonal.

Visitor: I still don't understand. What is the length and what is the width?

Palmer: It comes with the dimensions of Height: 3 Width: 3Length: 36.

Visitor: 36 inches long and 3 feet wide?

Palmer: Yes, that is correct.

Visitor: But wait. If it's 36" long and 3' wide, wouldn't that make it a square? Because the rug is in the shape of a rectangle.

Visitor: And how could the height be 3 feet if it's a rug?

Palmer: I am sorry, I am unable to locate the information on the product page.

Palmer: I apologize for the inconvenience that caused to you.

Visitor: Where did you get Height: 3 Width: 3Length: 36 from?

Palmer: It is described in Product Description page.

Visitor: Can you send me a link to that page?

Visitor: I don't see a product description page with that information.

Palmer: I am sorry, we do not have an option to send that link.

Palmer: Thanks for visiting our website Have a nice day.

Palmer has disconnected.

Of course I went ahead and ordered the rug. I had to have answers and I certainly wasn't getting them from "Palmer".

This is what was delivered to me:

Of course! Now this makes total sense to me.

Thanks "Palmer"!

*Wraps self in 3' Octagonal Red Bamboo Rug and Jumps through closed window*...