Men are simple creatures.
We like steak and Doritos and tools.
We don't like satin sheets or hairspray. We despise area rugs and/or tapestries and we absolutely loathe speed walking.
We also like Football. We like to watch it uninterrupted on Sundays.
And then this happens...
Sunday afternoon 4:13pm. Two minutes before kickoff. Chargers VS Jaguars.
Out-Numbered - All I ask is that you keep them upstairs until halftime.
Wife - Fine. But I haven't had a moment to myself this whole weekend you know.
Out-Numbered - I know. I love you.
Wife - Whatever.
Out-Numbered - Hey.
Wife - Yes?
Out-Numbered - Can you bring me some snacks?
Wife - Go fuck yourself.
Out-Numbered - Thanks Hon.
She walks up the stairs.
3 Year Old - Daddy?
Out-Numbered - Fuck me! Yes baby?
3 Year Old - Can you play supermarket with me?
Out-Numbered - I'm sorry baby. Not right now.
3 Year Old - Why?
Out-Numbered - Because Daddy is watching football.
3 Year Old - Can't you pause it?
Out-Numbered - No baby. I'm very tired and I need to rest.
3 Year Old - You can rest later.
Out-Numbered - No baby. Daddy's back hurts. He needs to lay down.
3 Year Old - Well, then we can play Doctor and I'll fix your back.
She creeps down the stairs slowly.
Out-Numbered - Not now sweetheart. Maybe later.
3 Year Old - Please Daddy.
Out-Numbered - Baby, I said not now.
She starts to tear up. Biting of the bottom lip ensues.
Out-Numbered - OK. I'll pause it but only for 10 minutes.
3 Year Old - Daddy. That's too short.
Out-Numbered - I said 10 minutes. Beggars can't be choosers.
3 Year Old - How about 5 minutes?
Out-Numbered - Uh, OK. 5 minutes.
3 Year Old - Thank you Daddy.
Out-Numbered - Sure. Now where are we going shopping?
3 Year Old - Today we're going to Trader Joe's.
Out-Numbered - Great. What do we need?
3 Year Old - We need a lot of food.
Out-Numbered - OK. Shall I make a list?
3 Year Old - Yes please.
I go to grab a pen and some paper.
Out-Numbered - OK. I'm ready. What do we need?
3 Year Old - A necklace.
Out-Numbered - OK. I didn't know they have necklaces at Trader Joe's. What else?
3 Year Old - Food.
Out-Numbered - Food? That's pretty vague. What else?
3 Year Old - Cups.
Out-Numbered - Cups. Got it.
3 Year Old - Spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles, another spoon.
Out-Numbered - Hang on. Slow down. Another Spoon...
3 Year Old - A fish, a cone, pickles, french fries, tomatoes, sushi, wine, french fries.
Out-Numbered - You already said french fries.
3 Year Old - Daddy. Please.
Out-Numbered - OK.
3 Year Old - Sushi.
Out-Numbered - So you want two sushi , uh sushies?
3 Year Old - Yes.
Out-Numbered - Got it.
3 Year Old - A pan, a cupcake holder, cupcakes, chicken, eggs which we already have.
Out-Numbered - If we already have them, then why do we need them?
3 Year Old - DADDY! PLEASE!
Out-Numbered - Jeez. Don't yell at me.
3 Year Old - A bowl, tops, a cookie, a shell, ducks, dogs, lambs, a head...
Out-Numbered - A head?
3 Year Old - Yes.
Out-Numbered - I'm pretty sure they won't have a head.
3 Year Old - YES THEY WILL.
Out-Numbered - I don't think so.
3 Year Old - DADDY! JUST WRITE THE LIST!
Out-Numbered - You have two minutes left.
3 Year Old - A mermaid, another head, a xylophone, a big ball, a car and wipes.
Out-Numbered - Is that it?
3 Year Old - Um... Yes.
Out-Numbered - Can I go watch football now?
3 Year Old - No. You have to read back the list.
Out-Numbered - HONEY!!!! CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE PLEASE!!!!
Wife - NOPE.
Out-Numbered - Necklace, food, cups, spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles...