For my family...
The bathroom in my bedroom has a window right behind the toilet.
This morning I was peeing and staring out into the yard.
I spotted a bumble bee crawling across the roof.
The seasons can signify many things. I suppose it depends on who you are.
For most, I would imagine they bring hope, change or inspiration. Perhaps all three.
But not me.
I don't think I've ever needed the Spring as much as I do now.
The sun is like an awakening of sorts. Its bright light can change everything in an instant. There's something about the warmth, the light, the smell of green.
So I've heard.
I've needed a change for quite some time. So long, that it's hard for me to explain. It might be easier for me to speak in metaphors. I'm not quite ready to talk about all of this. But I need to let it go.
Suppose for the past 30 years you had been walking in the cold, gray, Winter. What if you'd watched countless seasons come and go but the Spring had always eluded you?
What if most days seemed as if they were filled with dark clouds and rain? So much rain. Imagine the Winter never left and Spring never came.
What would you do?
What could you do?
I can feel the Spring today. I can feel it for the first time in a long time.
For 30 years, I've carried a huge burden with me. I've harbored a lot of anger. I've tucked years of resentment so far down in my soul that I had forgotten it was even there.
But it was there.
Resentment has been the foundation for a wall I've built so high that I couldn't even see over the top of it.
Concrete. Brick. Mortar. Repeat.
Mom, Dad, Wife, Children, Friends.
All on the other side.
My parents got divorced when I was 9. I remember the night they told me. I think that was the beginning. That night I locked the door to my heart and threw away the key. I wouldn't ever talk about it again. I wouldn't bother anyone. I wouldn't listen to anyone.
I wouldn't do anything.
I spent the last 30 years avoiding contact. I did whatever it took to stay at an arms length away. I wouldn't let anyone even remotely close for more than a moment. I was afraid.
What could a 9 year old boy be so afraid of? What could a 39 year old man, with a job, a house and a family, be so scared of?
I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid of being let down. I was afraid that it would happen all over again.
I was angry at my Father for leaving and I resented my Mother for letting him go.
It's amazing what the mind will do to preserve one's own sanity. Or maybe it's just tragic.
I would take care of myself. I would wedge anything and everything between me and anyone who wanted a piece of me.
I would use alcohol, pills, food, whatever it took to numb the pain. I would self medicate for 30 years. I even used this blog. Especially this blog. It's the perfect form of contact. It's indirect. It's not real. It's safe because you can't get too close to me...
I can feel it. For the first time, I'm starting to let go. I'm turning over the reins to a power greater than myself. I'm letting the resentment go and I'm inviting the ones that I love back in. I'm putting trust in faith. I'm having faith in trust.
These past few weeks have been hard. But not nearly as hard as all of the weeks prior. Over a thousand weeks gone for good. So much wasted time.
I must do this. I will not waste any more time.
I've taken some big steps to make things right. Things I'm not ready to talk about right now. Not here.
Today I felt the Spring for the first time in a long time.
It's never felt so fucking good...