My daughter has been bugging me for weeks to take her to the $1 store. For some reason she views this place as some type of shopping mecca. I'm not sure what she expects but whatever it is she's imagining, the bar is set pretty high.
7 Year Old - "Daddy, can we please go to the $1 store today? Please. Please. Please.
Out-Numbered - "I suppose. What is it that you want there anyway?"
7 Year Old - "My friends got beautiful rings there and everything is $1. Can we go?"
Out-Numbered - "OK. We can go."
7 Year Old - "YES!"
Out-Numbered - "But you're using your money. Go get your piggy bank."
7 Year Old - "OK Daddy. I love you!"
Out-Numbered - "Yeah. Sure. Today you love me..."
7 Year Old - "What?"
Out-Numbered - "Nothing. Get your money and your coat."
$1 store my ass. That place sucks. How could it not. Everything is a dollar. The shelves are probably lined with crap. What the fuck is a dollar these days anyway? Yarn? Balloons? A key chain? I'm not buying it for one second. If there's one God damn thing in that store that's more than a dollar, I'm gonna bust some ass. No one's gonna break my daughter's dreams.
Walking into the $1 store...
7 Year Old - "Wow. Look at all the stuff."
There's basically a shitload of cheesy Valentines tshatshkes everywhere you look. That and gloves.
Out-Numbered - "Uh, yeah. Cool."
7 Year Old - "What can I get?"
Out-Numbered - "How much money do you have?"
7 Year Old - "Um. Five dollars."
Out-Numbered - "Then you can probably get four things."
7 Year Old - "WHAT? WHY ONLY FOUR THINGS? I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS."
Out-Numbered - "Shhhhhhhhhhh. Calm down."
7 Year Old - "But if everything is a dollar then why can I only get four things?"
Out-Numbered - "Because you have to pay tax?"
7 Year Old - "What?"
Out-Numbered - "Forget it. You can get five things. I'll lend you money if you need it."
We basically spent the next 45 minutes walking around in circles. Aisle after aisle, lined with the most useless shit you've ever seen and my daughter wanted to buy every last bit of it. She even tried to convince me that the "Dog Toys" aisle was for kids. There's a fine line between determination and insanity.
Not all was a complete waste of time.
We found this...
A MOOD RING.
In all of it's glory. There was an entire box of them. I haven't seen a mood ring since I was a kid.
Guess how much it was?
That's right bitch.
We'll take four of them.
Not only are mood rings totally badass but now they are completely practical.
I live with three ladies. All I need to do is put a mood ring on each of them and VOILA! Instant mood barometer. It's genius.
It's all right here:
I haven't tested it out on them just yet but I did give it a test run today myself. This is what I learned.
1) I am most RELAXED when watching High School Musical 3.
2) I am most UNSETTLED when I am on Twitter.
3) I am most ACTIVE when I am taking a piss.
Lord only knows what colors it will turn when I am feeling Out-Numbered...