Today is my Birthday.
I am 39 years old.
My head is too big to wear those stupid party hats. The rubber band always snaps.
I can't eat my own fucking ice cream cake because I'm lactose intolerant.
If I get one more #1 Dad coffee mug, I'm gonna smash it into my own skull.
Don't sing Happy Birthday to me. That song sucks ass. Save it.
39 x 2 = 78 It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that I'm almost dead.
Birthday sex. That's good.
My wife's birthday is in 2 days. That's a lot of sex for one week. I will take a vitamin.
Mom, Dad and Grandma, It's OK to stop sending me a check. We're square.
Pearl Harbor Day. I know. You're not the first to realize this. Save the "A day that will live in infamy" jokes. Not funny. Never was.
Yes I'm almost 40. I'm still a sexy bitch.
You will not see me in my Birthday suit. It is disgusting. If I could return it, I would.
My dentist never signs my card. You're a phony bastard. Floss my ass.
I will settle for nothing less than the Outback Steakhouse for dinner tonight.
I don't care if you're 3 years old. It's not breakfast in bed unless there's bacon. Now stop crying and get it right.
If you are Jewish and God hates you, he makes your Birthday the same week as Hanukkah.
If you are not Jewish and God hates you, he makes your Birthday on a Monday.
If he does both, you're fucked.
This year I am Out-Numbered by more than just candles...