Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts fuel my toxicity.
I am silent.
I am deadly.
You can do nothing to stop me.
I will find you.
You will not see me coming.
By the time you realize I was in your midst, I will already be gone.
I do not know how to show mercy.
I feel nothing.
I will devastate the world around you.
You will be left in ruins.
The Ass Ninja.
6:18pm - Sunday Evening
I eat Roast Chicken and Brussel Sprouts. I leave the skin on. I chew the bone. I eat half the bird. I drink Diet Coke.
7:02pm - Clean Up Time
I clean up the kitchen. I sneak one more piece of Roast Chicken. Dark Meat. More skin. Two more Brussel Sprouts. My stomach rumbles.
7:15pm - Bath Time
You finish up with the youngest and take her to her room. You leave the oldest in the shower alone. She is vulnerable. My first victim.
7:16pm - Engage First Target
I enter the bathroom. The air is heavy. It is dense and humid. The perfect conditions. I creep up slowly, like an Ass Ninja dressed in black. I draw the curtain back slowly. She is not paying attention. She has shampoo in her eyes. Unsuspecting. I back into position. My ass is in the shower.
I am gone.
7:16pm and 26 seconds...
"EWWWWWWWW!!!!! DADDYYYYYYY!!!!! DID YOU JUST FART IN HERE? DADDYYYYYYYY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
Direct hit. I must keep moving.
7:18pm - 3 Yr Old's Room
You stand at her changing table. You are drying her hair. So peaceful. There is laughter. I do not pay attention to laughter.
7:19pm - Engage Second Target
I must move quickly. Do not linger. In and Out. No distractions. No prisoners. Do not look them in the eye. It is not personal...
Wife - "Hey what happened in there? Why was she yelling?"
Ass Ninja - "Who knows?"
I approach them. I am close. I bend over to pick up something that isn't there.
Wife - "What are you doing?"
Ass Ninja - "Nothing."
7:19 and 48 seconds...
"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! JAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOLY COW!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD!"
I must lay low. Regroup. Recharge.
9:37pm - Docking Station
I head to the kitchen to eat more Dark Meat and Brussel Sprouts.
I am armed for my final mission.
Now I wait.
10:14pm - Bed Time
You lay in bed reading your "Novel". Beautiful and silent. Like a sitting duck. About to be roasted in a dutch oven.
10:17pm - Engage Final Target
Wife - "I'm tired. Come snuggle with me."
Ass Ninja - "Just brushing my teeth."
10:19pm - Lock and Load
I climb into bed and turn out the light.
Wife - "Good night honey. I love you..."
Ass Ninja - "I love you too."
Kiss of death...
Goodnight my sweet love.
I am sorry.
10:19 and 31 seconds...
ASSHOLE!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? C'MON!!!! GOD!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS? JESUS, YOU STINK!!!!
My power is great. You are Out-Numbered. I am the Ass Ninja...