Saturday, July 18, 2009

Porn: What A MILF Wants...

So, I've never been a porn guy. Not like a porn star, obviously. Jewish guys definitely don't make good porn stars. I'm sure some of them do but for the most part, NO. What I'm referring to is, I've never really been into watching porn. I'm not sure why. It's just not my thing. I've definitely perused a porn website or two. That's pretty common, I hope. A few weeks ago, I came across what I would consider the most awesome porn site ever. It's called Guess Her Muff. I thought it was pretty awesome because they purport that their site isn't just filled with naked chicks. This is what the site claims:

What is the point of this site?

Yes, there are pictures of naked babes here but hopefully this site will also break down some preconceptions we make about people. It's also been said that this site also makes a fun drinking game.

Sounds good to me. As a matter of fact, I think that if you can learn how to be a better person by looking at porn, then it's probably not a bad thing. I mean there's a time and a place for everything of course but that's some pretty altruistic porn right there. Anyway, there's a point to this creepy, porn, post of mine. I promise.

I was on twitter this morning and I happened to stumble on a blog that I've never been to before. It's called Dashoff. I'm not entirely positive what the normal tone of the blog is but it's definitely written from a Mommy point of view. A Mommy Blog, if you will. So this gal's post is entitled: "Girl Talk Thursday - What Turns You On?" For the most part, the post is about how, as a Mom to a young child, she doesn't often get to feel that sexy. Things tend to get in the way. For instance, breast feeding and all sorts of yummy things. I totally get that. I didn't breast feed my kids but I can certainly empathize with the whole, there's no time to feel sexy thing. Let's face it, kids get in the fucking way. They are un-sexy makers. I can't even imagine having to try and go from baby sucking on nipple, straight to; giant, hairy husband that acts like a baby, trying to suck on nipple. It's seems like a nightmare.

All of that being said. The thing in her blog that really got me, was her "list". She made a list of what turns her on. Here is her list:
  • Cologne. Simple and not at all surprising, but oh my good golly.
  • Watching men fix things. Rawr.
  • Watching men think. Am I alone in this one? It’s my love of all things Nerd, I think. Watching a guy solve a complex math problem is super hot.
  • A good-fitting pair of jeans. And it probably doesn’t matter if they’re on him or me. If I feel like I’m looking good, I’m more apt to be turned on.
  • Compliments. This ties in to the last one. If he tells me I look hot, I’ll feel hot. This definitely helps when I feel decidedly UN-hot. (Uh, pretty much all the time lately, to be honest.)
  • John Krasinski. Dude.
  • Having to hide it. One thing that has always turned me on (and, I suspect, will continue to do so until the day I die) is knowing I have to be sneaky. Convenient, as Sneaky Sex is really the only kind a mom of two very small children ever gets to have. Some of my best memories involve wanting to do such things when (and where) I wasn’t supposed to be doing them. (This is where I politely ask my college friends to refrain from leaving details in the comments. Ahem.)
  • Anticipation. This one is pretty loaded. It can be anywhere from the anticipation of simply getting to be together sans accompaniment, to the anticipation of being touched. The more I have to wait for it, the better it gets.
  • Shark Attack Shows. Because duh.
She then proceeds to invite all of her female readers to share their lists of what turns them on. Let me tell you something. I think I had a half chubber on the train reading this shit. I haven't read erotica like this since Judy Blume's "Forever". I felt naughty. It was like "Eyes wide shut" in a blog. But, like Guess Her Muff, it actually taught me something. Yes, it taught me that there are a shit load of horny Moms out there but that's not my point. It reminded me that behind every Mom, is still that sexy, hot, love kitten us Dads fell in love with. It reminded me that before our kids sucked the life out of us, (quite literally in this woman's case) we used to pay attention to our partner's sexual needs. It wasn't always, "I'll meet you in the laundry room for a quickie, just as soon as I warm up their Macaroni & Cheese." We used to rock that shit hard. Damn, sometimes we even did it during the week.

In all sincerity though, I want to thank all of those jacked up, horny Moms over at Dashoff, for teaching me that my wife's boobs are not just for breakfast but also for hot Mom and Dad sex. I'm definitely gonna try and get my Jewish Porn Star groove on this weekend. I hope it can wait til Sunday though. I'm so tired and definitely Out-Numbered...