Potty training can be quite the traumatizing experience for a toddler. The change in their daily routine can be confusing and scary. One minute, they're effortlessly crapping their pants in the Gap and the next minute they're bidding farewell to Mr. Smelly Poo, flushing him off into oblivion, abandoning him with a murderer's, soft kiss. "I know it was you Fredo Poop. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" Going on the potty is one of the first bridges they cross on their way to anal independence.
On the other hand, it can be a complete pain in the ass for the parent. It used to be so simple. Your kid shits in his or her diaper and voila! The mommy magically makes it disappear. But now, "Daddy, I have to go potty" this and "Daddy, I have to make poop poop on the potty" that. Who can stand it? The first few times it's kind of cute. You video tape them making faces when they're pushing one out, you make them pose with the New York Times and say, "Edith get me a beer!" and you take a picture of the masterpiece and post it as your profile pic on Facebook. Good times indeed.
I started to read a bunch of books on child psychology and they were very long and uninteresting, so I didn't finish them. But if I had finished them, I'm pretty sure there would have been a ton of helpful information on how to make potty training, a positive and healthy growth experience for my child. But that's neither here nor there. Because I care about my kids, I take great interest in not fucking them up in the head. I go to great lengths to make their physical and psychological milestones, memorable, fun and as little work as possible for Moi.
Because potty training can be kind of messy and also tough on the olfactory sensory neurons, it's important to keep the time spent in the can to a minimum. I know that when I "drop the kids off at the pool", I like to partake in some casual reading and even catch up on some emails but it's essential that our kids are not over stimulated while learning to "drop a deuce." Even so, it is still extremely important to keep the atmosphere light, relaxed and stress free. Instead of letting them lead the activities, I like to bring the fun bus to brown town. One of my favorite dumpster games...
Nothing says, "Abre esfínter!", like some funny picture taking in the commode. I like to call it, Potty Paparazzi. Here's our last photo shoot:
Mr. Freud would have felt Out-Numbered...