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Here you go...
As defined in the Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary, the word “Idiot” (n) means: A foolish or stupid person.
I am an Idiot. This much is true. I know this because of the following two reasons:
1) My wife tells me regularly.
2) I am writing a blog post entitled, “What Bugs You About Your Spouse?”
As soon as I agreed to write this post for Momversation I was pretty much screwing myself, literally and figuratively. There is no way in hell that I can offer any of the Moms and Dads out there any insightful advice or even banter about my wife’s faux pas, without suffering very dire consequences.
So I have decided to do what any smart ass, idiot husband would do…
Tell the truth but speak in false negatives and double entendres so my wife gets so annoyed that she stops reading.
I will however take the high road. I have no interest in sharing with the world any private information that might lead to embarrassment for my lovely wife. So I will avoid talking about how she leaves so much hair on the floor of our bathroom and throughout the house that you would assume we live with The Sasquatch himself. I inadvertently eat more hair than I do chocolate. My daughters think Hair is part of the basic 5 food groups: dairy group, meat group, grain group, fruits and vegetables group and hair group.
I also refuse to talk even candidly about how she insists on waiting until we are both snuggled in bed after a long day before she asks me, “Was the stove off?” and then as I do every night, I reply, “Yes it’s off.” Finally as if she’s asking me as a favor for the first time, she pleads, “Can you just check please?” So, like a trained monkey I meander begrudgingly into the kitchen only to hear her shout out, “Honey can you just check on the kids while you’re up?” Muthafucker! That doesn’t bug me at all.
I most certainly will not even begin to touch on the subject of her being a slob. That wouldn’t be prudent at all and it’s totally not true. I have never found her bras hanging on various doorknobs throughout the house. I’ve never picked up food from the floor so old that the Sasquatch living in our home won’t even eat it. Not once have I tripped on multiple laundry baskets in the middle of the night like I’m walking in a friggin’ minefield.
Last but not least and perhaps the most important thing that doesn’t bug me at all… Listen up all you ladies out there. It’s totally sexy and a complete turn on for a wife to fart, crap and pee in front of her husband. No joke. Guys just love that. It gets us in the mood. There’s nothing hotter than your wife letting one rip in bed and pulling the Dutch Oven on you. Then she’ll turn to you a few minutes later and ask, “Do you want to fool around?” Uh, no thanks. I just got finished pushing that little baby throw up back down the hatch. Maybe tomorrow. It’s also totally cool to walk around completely naked from 8pm – until you get into bed. No worries. It doesn’t bug me at all to get a glimpse of every single nook and cranny of your ass, vagina or boobs from every angle possible while I’m watching TV or surfing the net or whatever. Totally romantic. How come when we first met it took me six months to see the slightest glimpse of nipple? Even guys wear underwear around the house out of respect for the innocent.
What I can say without candor is that my wife is the most amazingly beautiful, funny, kind hearted, loving, sexy, smart, selfless, patient, understanding and generous woman on the planet. That really bugs the shit out of me because next to her it’s impossible for me to not look like an idiot.