There are three things in the world today that scare the living shit out of me. They are as follows, in no particular order:
This includes the actual terrorists themselves as well as their weapons of mass destruction. Mainly I'm terrified of Anthrax, Smallpox, Ricin, A.S.F.V. (African Swine Fever Virus) and basically anything that can melt my friggin' face off.
2) Dick Clark (Post Stroke)
I know this sounds terrible and believe me I have nothing but the utmost respect for Dick and the great legacy he will leave behind in the Music and Television industry. No one looked forward to watching Dick and his HUGE Ball drop on New Year's Eve more than I. But... the combination of Zombie Dick and the maniacal, Ryan Seacrest yucking it up with their uncomfortable banter is just plain creepy. It makes me think about my own mortality. Please leave me alone.
3) The Book: A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar
Tonight my impressionable six year old daughter asked if she could read to me. I said, "Of Course". When we were finished, I walked away feeling confused, scared and extremely worried about the future my children might eventually leave behind. I didn't understand a word of this book and the worst part of it all... Neither did she.
The following is an excerpt from, "A Jigsaw Jones Mystery - The Case Of The Snowboarding Superstar". I offer no contextual set up. It doesn't matter either way. Please pray for the children...
"Snowboarding," I corrected her.
"It sounds hard," Mila said. "I hear that beginners fall down a lot."
"Maybe," I said. "But I think it will be sick."
"Sick?" Mila asked. "Who's sick?"
"Not who," I said. "It. Snowboarding will be sick."
Mila frowned. "I don't get it."
"It's the opposite of wack," I explained.
"Okaaay," Mila murmured.
"Do you smell me?" I asked.
Mila sniffed. "Well, now that you mention it, you do smell a little ripe."
End of excerpt
Somewhere out there, a 41 year old Dan Cortese, (former host of MTV Sports) sprinkles Metamucil into his Mountain Dew, looks into the eyes of his wife Dee Dee and remorsefully asks, "What have I done?"
Thanks douche bag. Soon enough, we'll all be Out-Numbered...