Friday, April 24, 2009

Did I Just Say That Out Loud?

I'm not sure how to even put this stuff into words but I'm gonna give it "the old college try". Although, admittedly I didn't really try very hard in college. Except for when we played Intramural Hockey. That was fun and super competitive. So "the old college try" is actually pretty bogus in this case. Either way, here goes.

Have you ever thought about stuff that is so far out of bounds that you wonder if you are normal? I'm not talking about stupid shit like, "Am I the only one that wants to make out with Maria from Sesame Street?" I'm talking about really vivid thoughts that play out as an intricate scenario in your head. Well I do. I'm hoping that a few of you out there have had similar types of experiences. I'm also hoping that some of you share them in this forum. If you don't then I'm gonna look like a big, sociopath, dick weed.

I'm not saying that I walk around all day having crazy person thoughts while I'm talking to people. ("Hello Mr. Taco Bell man. I want to eat your mustache and beat you with my Chalupa.") My daydreams usually occur at the same time every morning. In the shower. Sorry about the visual. To make it easier, I always shower in my long johns, water goggles and shower cap.

Let me give you an example of some of the stuff that's been going on in my head lately. The other day I was in the shower and somewhere between washing my arm and my ass, I started daydreaming about a potential nuclear holocaust. I pictured hearing the reports on TV and running to tell my wife to grab the kids and get downstairs into the basement. Then I started to visualize all the food we would have to eat and how long it might last. I actually got a little bit giddy thinking about eating hundreds of cans of cold Chef Boyardee Raviolios. How fucking great were those things? Oh and if you've ever wondered why everyone says that it's essential to have duct tape in an emergency disaster situation... It's to tape your kids mouths shut. Totally makes sense now. Then I start to freak out about not having enough alcohol in the basement. I really get worried that we're gonna run out. So I start to ration out the Vodka, Wine, Prosecco, Rumplemintz, Goldschlager, Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante, whatever I can find. This seems so real to me that I start getting all emotional. I start to worry about how long my kids will be able to hold out down there and if we'll ever see the light of day again. I picture myself getting ├╝ber thin and feeling really weak. It's super depressing stuff. I've actually snapped out of the daydream at times only to find myself tearing up in mid lather.

That's not even the weirdest thing. Dude, let me tell you something. That friggin shower has crazy powers or something. I've had this one recurring shower daydream about an intruder breaking into my house and I'm in the shower, which is weird because I'm in the shower. Basically I hear someone break in to my house but he doesn't know I'm in the shower, so I quietly sneak out and grab my aluminum bat that I keep by my bed. Then I hide behind my bedroom door and wait for him to come and check on the running shower. At just the right moment, I jump on him and put him in a sleeper hold but then I realize that I'm totally naked and soaking wet. This feels totally awkward to me and completely unheroic. Even still, I make sure he passes out before I let go and then before I call 911, I put on some underwear and my favorite pair of Diesel jeans and this awesome Iron Maiden Concert Tee that I love. I stay barefoot because I think it would be totally narcissistic of me to get fully dressed in light of the urgent circumstances. I don't want the cops to get all suspicious about the story, especially because I've heard that people have gotten sued by intruders that break into their homes because they were injured while burglarizing the property. That's just ridiculous. Anyway...

How about this one. In the shower, washing my whatever... Yada yada yada. FIRE. My damn house is on fire. All the exits are scalding hot and blocked by smoke. So I have to tie pillow cases and sheets together and make a giant rope in order to lower my wife and kids down from the second floor window. My six year old has to hold onto my two year old so she doesn't fall. It's crazy. The one thing that I always wrestle with in this daydream is what the hell do I have to grab before I can leave the house for good? My wife is always screaming at me to get out of the blazing inferno but I insist on gathering some of my essential things. What could be so valuable? I'll tell you what. My Mark Messier rookie card, my electric blue, B.C. Rich Bitch guitar, my super balls, my laptop, the book "Still life with Woodpecker" by Tom Robbins, my comic book collection, my Kiss Vans Hi-Tops, my camouflage Chargers hat, all naked pictures that my wife and I have of each other from when we were first dating, my Dome Hockey table, my wife's old Motorola phone from 1991 (Because it's hilarious and the size of a brick and I definitely need to activate it one day so I can answer calls on it on the train and in meetings.), my glow in the dark Spiderman pocket watch, those Diesel Jeans I was talking about in my other daydream, my Uggs (So friggin comfortable. I have two pairs, brown and black and I wear them from Fall until Summer.) and my ipod. Oh and I definitely grab a few random wife things so she doesn't accuse me of being selfish. I'm so smart. Even in my daydreams.

OK, so that was awkward but I feel better now. Not sure if it was the Sake or the Tylenol PM talking but it feels good to get it out there.

Oh one more thing... I wanted to send a big shout out to my good friends at Honestbaby.com for winning The 2009 Glam Network Awards for Best Family Site. Those guys turned me on to this blogging thing and I'll be forever grateful for that. Check out their site.

Remember, what happens in the shower, stays in the shower... Until now. In my daydreams I'm never Out-Numbered...