Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids are perfect, if you are easily offended by inappropriate language or if you have a shitty sense of humor about your children. Continue reading only if you admit that your kids are annoying or that they have sucked at any point in time.I love being a dad. That much I can tell you. I can list a number of reasons that would support that statement but for now I choose not to. What happens to be on my mind lately is how much having kids can suck. I'm not saying that having children sucks all of the time but rather a majority of the time. I know that most parents think their kids are annoying. I know that most parents tend not to talk about this in public. I also know what parents think are annoying about their kids. How do I know this? Because I asked. This is only a small sampling of what you said:
The fact that I have to fight with them to take a shower. They act like I am asking for a limb rather than just asking them to clean themselves. That they are comfortable being slimy, smelly and dirty... - Wendy, Facebook
Remember "the most annoying sound in the world" from Dumb & Dumber? My 6yr old is a pro at it ALL.DAY.LONG. - indigoeyes, Twitter
That despite having saved the receipt you can't return or exchange them. - David, Facebook
Realizing that you could have had the souped up Porsche for the same price as private school. - Rudy, Facebook
OK besides the delivery, the honesty..."mama, you smell like wine....again". Yup, delivery and honesty those are the most annoying. I love those little bitches otherwise. :-) - Elizabeth, Facebook
endless talking, sibling squabbles & they throw a bright light on every unflattering aspect of my personality, daily. - thejavaqueen, Twitter
The fact that they ask the same thing over and over and over and over...they simply wear you down. - Scott, Facebook
The inordinate amount of crap you have to take with you EVERYWHERE! diapers, butt cream, extra bottle in case you're going somewhere anti-boob, change of clothing, car seat, car seat adapter, toys, extra blankets, teething rings, teething ointment, a bag for all of it, then the stroller....and for an 18 lbs person! - Denise, Facebook
The fact that one eats in the kitchen and one eats in the dining room because one chews too loud and one breathes too loud. - Eden, Facebook
But why? But why? But why? - theweirdgirl, Twitter
The fact that I can't go to see a grown up movie whenever I damn well please. Oh, yeah, the WHHHHIIIIIINNNNGGGG too! - Melissa, Facebook
Well, thanks for sharing your uncensored and brutally honest thoughts about what annoys you most about having kids. I think we can all take comfort in the fact that none of us are alone in sharing this sentiment. The following is a short list of sucky and annoying things from my Out-Numbered perspective. They are listed in no particular order. Let me know if any of these sound familiar to you.
1. The smell of shit and pee.
There are times when living with little children seems no different than living with a deranged homeless person or an untrained dog. The constant, often volatile outbursts and the frequent lingering smell of feces. Even with the invention and assimilation of modern day plumbing, we as parents are still forced to wallow in an endless mass of kid poop and pee.
2. Small and excruciatingly annoying repertoire of music.
It goes without saying that staple tunes like Itsy Bitsy Spider, London Bridges and that piece of shit song, Frere Jacques can drive a parent insane. But to me it's the new generation of mediocrity that makes me want to jab pencils into my ears. Please wrangle up Barney, Dan Zane and The Wiggles and blast them all into space at once.
3. Snot
The only thing that makes me gag more than handling another human being's excrement is accidentally getting my kid's rubbery, sticky snot caught on my finger or any other part of my body for that matter. Snot fun at all...
4. Crazy Ass Kid Sicknesses
Fifth Disease, Ring Worm, Whooping Cough, Roseola (also known as Sixth Disease) and Croup are just a few of the ultra disgusting and completely mind baffling names of some common kid illnesses. The names of these illnesses are so unfamiliar to the average human that when you become a parent you actually think for a second that you've been transported to some kind of messed up Little House on the Prairie parallel universe. Throw in the locusts and we're all set to go.
5. Car Seats
Is it me or does it seem like it's absolutely impossible to install a car seat without professional help? Setting up one of these bad boys is not dissimilar to Greco-Roman Wrestling. I've thrown my back out on numerous occasions, bloodied my hands and slammed my head into the roof of my car, all while trying to ensure the safety and well being of my kids. My wife literally has to make an appointment with the local Fire Department to have this done properly. I wouldn't be surprised if Ashton Kutcher was behind it all.
6. Hip Hop Harry
Words can't describe the amount of hate I feel towards the creators of this hairy, condescending, monster. I am convinced that Lucifer himself lives beneath the Hip Hop Harry costume. If you haven't heard of this show, please ignore this portion of the list.
7. Birthday Parties
Is there nothing original left in this world? Can we as parents possibly think of something else to do other than heave our children into giant inflatable bouncing castles and eating pizza? There's got to be a better, cheaper way to treat our kids to a party. Having an open bar or even a keg for the adults wouldn't hurt either.
8. 9. and 10. The inability to listen, short term memory and the obsession with cameras and phones.
My kids refuse to even look me in the eyes when I'm speaking to them let alone acknowledge that there has been an exchange of information between us. I am convinced that a child is incapable of listening until he or she reaches the age of 12. Then the ability is again impaired until the age of 21.
Kids have the uncanny ability to remember all sorts of things from months and years past. That time they went swimming at Uncle Jarvis's pool, three summers ago. Clear as a bell. I've even heard of instances where a child has very vivid recollections of time in the womb. But God strike me down if my kid happens to remember how to wipe her own ass or that I said no candy before 10am. Jeez Louise.
Why is it that all kids are obsessed with handling our cameras and cell phones but none of them will pose for a God damn picture or leave you alone for a nano-second when it's time to make an important call?
I'm going to sleep. Anyone else out there feeling Out-Numbered?
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38 comments:
This post was hilarious. Currently, my wife and I reside as happy DINK’s (dual income no kids) in the New York suburbs. Of course, that may change (even changing our perspective) in due time. But in the present, we find it brutally annoying to field visits from friends towing rugrats. In the span of a recent afternoon, I've had several varieties of cheese thrown under my coffee table and couch, bodily fluids smeared on my dining room furniture, and a boatload of cheap plastic toys and stuffed animals tossed around my house in cyclonic fashion.
Bodily fluids I can understand, referring to your homeless point. But what happened to eating at the table? Back in the prehistoric early '80s, if I so much as tossed a raisin under my mother's couch, let alone someone else’s, I'd have been muzzled and fed through a tube. No, really. It was "table" or "foster care."
And don't even get me started on the 3 year old who ordered me to turn down the stereo volume at my own goddamned New Years Eve party.
Sigh.
The best parenting insight I ever got (and it was from a real child professional and everything) went something like this:
"Childhood is a journey through varying degrees of psychosis."
That squared up entirely with my experience of my kids thus far. (Love them though I do.)
I had everything planned for Sebastian's last birthday...or so I thought. One of the parents when RSVPing said, "There will be bloody marys won't there?" It was a huge lightning bolt. Ran out, got the fixins, and it was a damn fine kids birthday. hic
so u think our kids are annoying?
I think it's the reason our parents smile so much when we have kids...you think they are happy because the baby is so cute, but no, they are thinking, "It's payback time!"
There are a lot of things that suck about having kids, not sure how or why I ended up with 3 of them, but they have this way of looking you in the eyes and making you love them (again) just when you think your done with the whole thing.
Me, I just want pretty things in my home again, and nice clothes so I don't look like a snot, pee, food, dirt, and whatever else covered mess all the time.
when your kids are grown and leave you all alone you'll wish those rainy days on the soccer field never ended.....cheerish the moment...
And what about the vomit? Is there anything more disgusting than cleaning up someone else's vomit, projectile being the worse of course!
It would also be nice to go to the bathroom without having a little person sitting outside the door asking when you'll be finished.
Let's face it: kids totally run your life until they're grown and leave home for good. My only consolation is watching my daughter with her two, knowing she's only experienced a PART of what I did... just wait until they're teenagers!
Great, funny post... and so true!
The best part of this post?
"...Part One"
Which means there is more to come, right?
Another fabulous piece of journalism!!! I absolutely loved it! It gets easier as they get older-bigger kids, different set of difficulties. Take care...
nice....i think this guy sums it up nicely as well.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA
Hysterical! Well put my friend. You really hit a nerve with us parents. We love these little boogers but who thought little people could actually have the power to break down an adult from time to time. They are powerful!
At times I wait for my teenage daughter's head to spin just as it does in the exorcist. I'm pretty sure the devil invades every teenage girl from the ages of 13 to 17.
Oh my god. There I was, innocently browsing on through my blogroll, leaving a remark or two about the current child related horror we're dealing with, and then I come here and you are actually talking about the same thing. PINWORMS. Worms, how gross is that. Worms in your kid's anus and worm eggs drifting about, double gross.
I suppose that to remain sane, one has to classify all this in the category "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger/builds your character". However, one question: how come I feel weaker and weaker and crazier and crazier after each incident?
Yup - pretty good summary there. I'm particularly disgusted by the various foul substances that have exploded out of my lads when they were babies, particularly when a car seat was involved. I still recall (with terror) the "vomit in the park" episode when Ihad to walk home about half a mile covered in puke and carrying a screaming baby.
I'll get over it one day (eeeuurrghhhhhh!!!).
Even though I write about my nutty kids, I can't help but wonder what my dad thinks. I know there were times that my brothers and I were the most annoying beings on earth (especially when we popped and cracked our gum in his presence or when we fought about nothing). I'm sure he reads my blog and just shakes his head.
"What goes around, comes around."
The only comfort I have is the fact that one day my offspring will be parents and I can sit back and laugh at their expense.
Oh -- that comment about the "most annoying sound in the world" made me LOL. I can totally relate to that...
You don't do an open bar at birthday parties?
Great list, how did I miss the call for complaints? My recommendations for part 2:
1) The inability to escape for a few hours of grown-up time without coordinating a massive schedule of pick-ups, drop-offs, and feeding schedules and paying out the ass for a teenaged babysitter to watch movies and talk on your phone all night.
2) Why does my toddler insist on putting every damn thing in the toilet EXCEPT her bodily wastes?
3) They destroy your social life completely.
4) Playgroups are the dullest places on earth.
5) You spend hundreds of dollars taking them to a theme park and they either cry or sleep through it.
6) You have to plan your life around nap-time.
7) One for the ladies: Once you have a baby, your body figures it's mission to attract a mate is obviously complete and gives the fuck up on you.
8) They can run and jump and climb like monkeys until you ask them to walk for 2 blocks and suddenly they are tiiiiiired and need you to carrrrrry them.
9) They bring home germs for all of those disgusting diseases and spread them around so that you end up calling in sick to work because you have headlice.
10) If you own anything nice they'll destroy it. If you don't own anything nice you never will because you can't afford it anymore.
11) They make "I love you" cards and kiss you and make you feel all guilty about complaining about them.
You to teach your kids to pee and poo outside. No smelly house! It works great for my dog, why not kids?
Well said. For me, one of the greatest things about having kids is laughing at them. I take pleasure in annoying them from time to time and doing the unexpected to them just because I can.
As far as feeling outnumbered, my two girls aren't even out of diapers yet and I'm already dreading the teen years. I told my wife, we will always have male dogs if for no other reason than because I need an ally in the land of the "fallopian".
Nice blog.
You are SO right. I do not understand why people go back for more. I understand the first one: you honestly don't know what it will be like, but after that? No excuse.
We have one 20 month old and people are always asking when we're having another. My response, "Are you kidding?" I can barely handle this one, and that's a tribute to his pain in the butt-ness since I was a first grade teacher of 20+. I know kids. I can handle kids. I want ONE.
-Abby
Abby, I think people with seconds or thirds think their kids will then be auto-entertaining i.e. play with each other instead of the constant sleeve-grabbing and "mom. mom. moooom. mom, mom mom, mom mom mooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!"
FINALLY! Someone writes down what we all think! KUDOS!
Absolutely worship your posts!
my kids are a little older, so i don't have a lot of these issues...but i guess tweens/teens come w their own set? lol funny post.
Ditto :-)
Bro, very funny post indeed. I seriously felt relieved to know that my kid is not the only one who has a vacuous space between his ears when receiving directions, warnings, admonitions and threats. The one-year-old understands "no" and gets quite uncomfortable when I give her "the look" but I know it won't last. As a stay-at-home dad, my day is often calculated by how many poop evacuations in which I'm involved, be it changing noisome diapers or poopy potty breaks, sometimes it can be between 4-6 poop experiences per day (excluding my own, which then bring the number to about 9). That's a lot of poop. At some point I plan to write a blog posting about this topic in particular so I will make two quick points: 1. I wish I had studied scatology in college as it would serve me better than a degree in political science. There is nothing political about poop. And 2. I had a serious aversion to the word "poop" throughout my entire life. I still HATE that word. It connotes something cute and cuddly but in reality it's toxic and messy. I prefer "duty" but it just never stuck.
Will you please, please, please contact me when you are ready to write one about teenagers. They REALLY suck!!!! cpenn67atmsndotcom
I hate kids! I love reading this kind of stuff cuz it just makes me not want them even more than I already did. I thought that as I got older, I would want kids. Turns out, the older i get, the less I want them and the more I pity the sorry saps who have them.
Absolutely, I have two and it is the worse mistake I ever made. After the first I swore I wouldn't have a second but somehow I let my wife talk me into it. Maybe I thought "oh this one will be different" Stupid,stupid,stupid. Wish we could give them some kind of growth hormone to make them grow faster so I can kick them the hell out!
Well truth be told it's the 10:1 rule....for every one happy jolly fuzzy momemt with my kids there are about 10 annoying ones to contend with.
But of course, I still love the buggers....had to say that to clear the mommy conscience.
Oh man, for me it is enough to come over to my "friends" house with my family and take shit from their kids from the moment i wake up lol.. (i`m 15), yeah i have that shit instead of vacations. Dont really know if i will ever have kids.
Yes I agree 100% the 5% of coolness their is 90% of I hate them..for all the reasons above my wife looks like shit the weight gain the sleepless nights add 20 years to her.The youngest will not sleep in his own bed so guess who gets booted out..I will be glad to be able to sit somewhere and NOT have some toy rammed up my ass.or walk across the floor and NOT have something stick to it...Nasty piss pots full of piss ,shit,boogers and puke their a constant barage on all your senses.I have not had 5 min alone with my wife in 10 years even though she looks 50 years older then she should,and 40 pounds heaver how i will never know she never rests and is constantly being their slave.she should be skinny as a rail.
This is absolutely classic..and I LOVE the DINK (dual income no kids) acronym! awesome. One day we might have some of our own, but not right now, but yes I understand. 2 nieces and nephews here, and believe me it is NICE to "give them back" when its time. Talk about being able to return with out receipt.
The constant whining at breakfast over, and over, and over again not wanting to eat the same thing. Man, if that was me in the 80's, I would've been strapped to a chair, and YOU must eat this.. no questions asked.
I can't believe how kids these days TALK BACK and QUESTION their parents! goodness there is no fear now a days...
A lot of this crap is optional, you know. You don't HAVE to take them to the pizza party if you know it's going to be more pain in the ass than pleasure for you.
You don't HAVE to cater to their underdeveloped tastes in music and TV, and you definitely don't HAVE to let them sleep in your bed. If you tune out the whining consistently enough, you'll have a lot less of that, too.
sometimes I think people make having kids a whole lot more miserable than it needs to be. I can't tell whether people don't fix it out of guilt, or laziness, or some pernicious combination of the above.
The carseat thing though, that does suck. SUCK. At least they are strapped down and immobilized once it's done.
Don't you wish you could do that at home sometimes? Waiiiit.
I'm a Non-Breeder.
Here's antoher annoying thing:
I have to pay taxes to support public schools.
So in other words, you creeps hump without using birth control, knock eachother up,
and I have to pay for it.
Why can't Non-breeders be tax exempt from this?
I know it sounds terrible to say but I don’t like anything about kids. Seriously, I can’t stand to be around them. Almost none of my friends have kids and the ones who do I rarely ever see (guess why). The way I see it, right now there aren’t enough jobs for everyone, there aren’t enough houses, there are too many cars on the road, too many crowds, too many traffic jams, too many people everywhere. How would I make our appalling situation better by having kids and adding to the problem? Children suck the life out of the people around them. They are expensive, irritating, unaccountable, destructive, disrespectful, loud, obnoxious, rude and selfish. Children serve no purpose other than to take up space and carry on the questionable genes of their parents. I am so thankful I don’t have kids. I have fun and I do as I please when I please. Every dollar I make is mine to spend on anything I want. I have peace & quiet when I want and I have total freedom. I would lose every enjoyable aspect of my life if I had kids. I can not understand why so many people have children. Yuck, no thanks.
I hate it when guests come to visit with their brats in tow. When I was a kid, if my parents visited friends, I, as well as the other kids there, would be directed to the "kids playroom." We stayed in there and played QUIETLY, and we didn't bother the adults. We didn't run around like banshees, getting into everything. If we had a problem/or wanted something, we would stand at the corner of the adults' room and wait until someone said, "What do you want?" More over, we addressed all adults as Mr./Mrs., or "Sir" or "Ma'am." I hate the way kids call adults by their first names-no respect anymore. What's missing from all kids' psyches today is "fear." It worked for thousands of years, and it would work today. It must be implemented from a very young age or it won't be effective.
I don't like kids, but I figured I would defend them here. Kids are pretty much miniature adults who tend to break more things. Adults don't behave much better if you think about it. They're just as whiney and mean, they just do it in different areas. They whine about having kids (lol)about how much money they make, and how "he never takes me out to dinner anymore".
I hate the way all life seems to revolve around the little bastards. Adults come first; if something happens to the little bastards, one can always make more, if one would have the propensity to do so.
Good stuff! I have two kids - both conceived on birth control! They are teens now and I can't say it's been enjoyable. My husband and I gave up our best years and what used to be an amazing relationship. All of our strength and energy has gone to raising our kids. In return, they're hateful, lazy and selfish. They walk around our house like they're the ones who worked hard and bought it and we're just annoying trash in their way. If I died tomorrow, my son would be most concerned with how much money I left him and my daughter would be annoyed at having to go to my "stupid funeral." My husband and I used to have so much fun together before kids. We were so happy. Life has sucked ever since and our marriage went right down the toilet! Don't have kids!!
Oh and for the poster that said something to the effect of, "you'll want your kids back when they grow up and leave you all alone." What a ridiculous assumption! You really think that when kids grow up all parents do is sit around crying all day, waiting for their kids to bless them with a visit? Screw that! My own parents pursued many new hobbies and interests after my brothers and I left. They took back their social life too and enjoyed lots of traveling with friends and family. Hell, I could barely track them down when I wanted to talk to them! I can't wait to walk among the living again! I've been robbed of so much fun and freedom. I'm counting the days until my kids leave. I love them with all my heart but love isn't enough to wash away all the pain and misery they cause. Kids really do suck!
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